I want to begin this piece by saying that there are many reasons people stay in abusive relationships, none of which are the survivor’s fault. One of the most common reasons, particularly for mothers, is the belief that staying for the sake of their children is the right choice. This piece aims to explore how this deeply held belief, though understandable, can now be reconsidered with new information that sheds light on a better way forward for both mothers and children.
For decades, society has upheld the belief that children fare best in homes with married parents. This notion has been widely accepted, often to the detriment of abused partners (typically women, but not always) and, as recent studies show, to the detriment of the children as well. Many mothers have endured toxic or abusive relationships with the belief that maintaining the family unit, despite its dysfunction, would somehow shield their children from harm. The societal pressure to uphold the ideal of a two-parent home has led mothers to sacrifice their own mental and emotional health in pursuit of what they were taught was best for their kids.
However, recent research, as cited here and discussed, reveals that the most significant factor influencing a child’s developmental, cognitive, and social markers is not the presence of two happily married parents, but rather the mental health of the mother. This groundbreaking shift in understanding challenges the long-held belief that children’s well-being hinges primarily on a stable family structure, regardless of its quality. Instead, studies now demonstrate that a mother’s mental health, before, during, and postpartum, has the most profound impact on her child’s emotional, behavioral, and cognitive development.
Dr. Anne-Claude Bernard-Bonnin’s study, Maternal Depression and Child Development, shows that social habits, developmental markers, and overall mental health in children are most closely linked to the mother’s mental health, whether prenatally, during pregnancy, post-partum, or extending into early childhood. This insight underscores something big: a mother’s mental and emotional well-being has a far greater impact on her child’s overall development than we previously understood. By prioritizing your own health and leaving a harmful environment, you are not only taking care of yourself but are also giving your children the best possible opportunity for healthy emotional and developmental growth. You are, in essence, doing the best thing for them by caring for your own mental health.
What does this mean for victims and survivors of abusive relationships? Simply put, this is permission to leave. While we acknowledge that there are many reasons people stay—due to trauma bonds, cycles of abuse, emotional turmoil, and deeply ingrained beliefs—the idea that staying for the sake of the children can now be questioned. Yes, children are often the most significant barrier preventing someone from leaving an abusive situation, but this new research reveals that by staying in an abusive relationship, you may unintentionally be harming them more than if you were to leave.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not simple, and this piece is not meant to make it seem so. It is a choice frought with emotional, psychological, and logistical challenges. But this new understanding offers clarity: the outdated belief that staying together for the sake of the children can be reexamined. For both your well-being and that of your children, leaving may be the hardest, but also the most loving and powerful choice you can make. Your decision to prioritize your own mental health will, in turn, offer your children the most positive environment in which to thrive.
If you want to talk more about this, please reach out to me via Therapywithab.com.