Imagine you’re a child, sitting in your room late at night, straining to hear the muffled voices coming from the living room. You’re trying to gauge if tonight will be calm or if the yelling will start again. Your ears sharpen to the slightest sounds—the creak of a floorboard, the clink of a glass—each one sending a jolt of fear through your body. Your breathing becomes shallow as you brace for what might come, your muscles tensing involuntarily. Maybe you’re rehearsing what to say if your parent comes into your room, trying to find the right words to keep the peace - or maybe you’re simply hiding, riding out the storm in your cocoon. 

This kind of hyper-awareness becomes second nature when you grew up with an alcoholic parent. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is an experience that leaves us questioning the world, and our place in it, long into adulthood. Unpredictability, emotional turbulence, a heightened sense of responsibility at a young age… these are the effects of having an alcoholic parent. 

Being an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) means that the brain chemistry shaped by such an upbringing has caused chronic stress in our nervous system. This chronic stress will likely result in altered brain development, and will manifest in a few different types of thinking patterns and behaviors, discussed below:  

The Impact of Chronic Stress on Brain Chemistry

Living in a household with an alcoholic parent creates an environment of hypervigilance (walking on eggshells). Alcoholics are notoriously unpredictable due to their substance use & the mood shifts that come with it. Living with an alcoholic parent, children will struggle to safely attach due to the chaotic ups and downs. This keeps children on edge - feeling like they constantly have to predict what their parent’s mood will be. This leads to a constant state of stress and elevated cortisol levels. Over time, this sustained cortisol release can:

• Alter Brain Development: Chronic stress impacts the developing brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex (responsible for decision-making and impulse control) and the amygdala (which regulates fear and emotional responses). This leads to hyper-vigilance, perfectionism, people pleasing, and chronic freeze mode.

• Rewire Stress Responses: Adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) may find themselves reacting intensely to minor stressors or feeling perpetually anxious, even in non-threatening situations.

• Disrupt Emotional Regulation: Overexposure to stress hormones can impair the brain’s ability to regulate emotions, making it harder for ACOAs to manage their feelings effectively. This may lead to chronic fight-or-flight, irritability, emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression, and impulsivity/irritability.

Common Behaviors Seen in Adult Children of Alcoholics

1. People-Pleasing: Many ACOAs develop a heightened sensitivity to the emotions of others (remember they have been walking on eggshells since childhood), and will often find themselves in relationships where their wellbeing depends on the wellbeing of others’. This can look like being hypervigilant to others’ needs, being anticipatory in their actions, trying to control & mitigate fall out in relationships, and losing their sense of self.

2. Difficulty Trusting Others: Having experienced broken promises or inconsistent behavior, ACOAs may struggle with trusting others, fears of abandonment, and chaotic relationships due to their inability to trust.

3. Hyper-Independence or Fear of Dependence: Some adult children of alcoholics avoid relying on others altogether, having learned that dependence can lead to disappointment. This looks like an avoidant attachment style, lack of close relationships, and struggles with being vulnerable.

4. Perfectionism: In an attempt to create order in a chaotic environment, many ACOAs adopt perfectionistic tendencies, such as being at the top of their career, becoming obsessive in their trade, being a perfectionist in the gym, etc. 

5. Struggles with Emotional Intimacy: Fear of vulnerability or being hurt can make forming deep emotional connections challenging. Being emotionally intimate, vulnerable, or fully open to relationships can feel scary.

6. High Sensitivity to Criticism: The unpredictability of criticism or anger in childhood can make adult children acutely sensitive to perceived judgment. This make is difficult to be in functional relationships where feedback is necessary. 

Adult Children of Alcoholics - Go To Therapy

I really promise you, it is the best way forward. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore childhood experiences, process emotions, and develop healthier patterns that lead to healthier dynamics in your life both individually, professionally, and relationally. Being an ACOA is not your fault, it’s not something you chose, and the outcomes are not fair. But it is your life and your responsibility to take action to create the life you want now that you are free to do so.