Codependency has become such a buzzword & I see it be misused everywhere (in the therapy industry & elsewhere). So let’s clear some things up & get very real about what Codependency is:
What is Codependency?
Codependency is fear-based attachment strategy that often occurs in relationships where one person excessively relies on another for their emotional and physical well-being. It is characterized by an unhealthy and dysfunctional pattern of behavior where individuals prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own, to the extent that they neglect their own well-being - they do this in the hope to maintain control of the person and the relationship. This is a protective instinct developed during childhood to maintain safety.
Codependency can manifest in various ways, but it typically involves an excessive need for approval and validation from others, a fear of abandonment or rejection, difficulties in setting boundaries, and a tendency to enable or rescue others. People who are codependent often have low self-esteem and struggle with assertiveness, leading them to become overly dependent on others for their sense of self-worth.
Experts in the field of Codependency have relied on a few main characteristics of codependent people to help those struggling understand their symptoms better. Here are 3 main characteristics of codependency that I work on with my clients:
Lack of or Inappropriate Levels of Self-Esteem - Codependents struggle to feel internal self-worth & regulate their levels of self-esteem outside of validation from others. This leads to dependency on others and “other-esteem” to feel worthy in relationships
Lack of Ownership Over One’s Own Reality - Codependents struggle with knowing their core-self. Along with that is who they are, their sense of worth, their needs, and their wants. When a codependent person is not able to own their own reality (know themselves), they leave themselves open to existing in enmeshment with somebody else’s reality.
Trouble Setting Boundaries - Boundaries are lines we don’t wish to cross based on an inner-knowing of our own needs. Boundaries exist internally & externally in our emotional, physical, and mental spaces as well as in our time/energy efforts. Because codependent people lack a sense of inner-knowing, they often do not know what boundaries they need in their relationships & may hold the core belief that they are not worthy of boundaries.
Why Does Codependency Develop?
When codependency was first being studied, it was researched in the context of family systems where one or more family members struggled with addiction. Codependency was known as the “family of alcoholics disease”, where family members were wraught with fears & leaned into control and enabling in order to maintain relationships with their family members with addiction.
Codependency has since been understood in the context of all family systems where the collective emotional experience of the family revolves around one high needs family member. Some examples of this may be: an emotionally immature parent, a parent with a personality disorder, a parent with unresolved trauma, a sibling with high needs or behavioral issues, or multiple familial dynamics occuring at once.
Codependency, a fear-based attachment strategy, is a protective instinct that develops in a child in order to stay safe & maintain control over the out-of-control environment around them. This may manifest in perfectionism, people-pleasing, “keeping the peace”, being low needs and low maintenance, being mature beyond their years, & being the family peace-keeper.
The core belief beneath these behaviors is, “If I can control my scary environment & make myself easy to love, then everybody else is OK & therefor I will be OK too.”
Check out my next blog post: 5 Ways to Start Healing Your Codependency for a better shot at more authentic & loving relationships.
Interested in learning more about how to heal your codependency? Reach out to me at alanabarlia@intuitivehealingnyc.com to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. Or read more about my therapeutic work HERE.