Hi Everyone, if you’re new here, welcome! In this blogosphere we talk about all things Codependency, Attachment Trauma, Relationships with self, family, and partners - and everything that may show up for you in this space.

As for right now, we are going to dive into 5 healing tips for Codependency. If you’re not familiar with Codependency, hop back into my blog & read the previous post on what Codependency is & where it originates from.

Briefly, Codependency is a fear-based attachment strategy where the brain & body decide that in order to keep ourselves safe we must control the environment around us. We do this through people-pleasing, perfectionism, not setting boundaries, and giving up parts of ourselves to be in relationships with others. This leads to problematic, toxic, and inauthentic relationships that leave us depleted, resentful, and hurt.

Here are 5 ways to start healing you Codependency in a relationship:

1. Understanding & Acceptance
Understand who the “addict” is in your life really is. Self-awareness is key to understanding and overcoming codependency. Take time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors & how you show up in your relationships. This is often a direct result of a deeply held, long term relationship in your life (most likely a caregiver) where you felt you needed to show up in a certain way in order to be loved & be safe in the relationship.

2. Find Yourself
As codependents, we become lost and forget who we are after spending years trying to please others, maintain peace, and avoid taking sides. By prioritizing others' needs above our own, we might end up losing our own direction. Having deep conversations with yourself, journaling, and talking with a therapist will help you rediscover YOU.

3. Let It Be
One of my favorite theories in modern-day psychology & sociology is the “let them theory”. Part of releasing codependency is embracing perfectionism & spiritually letting go of the control we do not have in our lives. If there is a person, relationship, or experience in your life I urge you to ask yourself, “what about this can I let go of"?”. Not everything is ours to hold onto.

4. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are lines we do not wish to cross & we do not wish others to cross with us. Boundaries are a message to ourselves about what we will & will not accept from ourselves and other in our lives. Boundaries are about protecting our inner-worlds and keeping our relationships safe. In healing our Codependency, we will have to redefine our worth & start setting new boundaries. Further reading about setting boundaries here.

5. Seek Community
In healing our Codependency, we are making major life changes & relationship changes. Finding community that embraces our most authentic & imperfect selves is a beautiful part of healing.

Therapy for Codependency

The codependency therapy I work on with clients often focuses on 3 main characteristics of codependency. These 3 are frequently relied on by experts in the field when assisting those who may be codependent more easily understand the symptoms of codependency and can help identify appropriate treatment strategies. The areas that codependency therapy initially explores include:

1. Self-Esteem - One's level of internal self-worth (it may be lacking or out of balance), how it is self-regulated, and in comparison with external validation. If these are at unhealthy levels or out of sync, one may be experiencing “other-esteem”, or, to feel worthy in relationships largely due to others’ validation. Therapy for codependency explores areas of self-esteem and self-worth in greater depth.

2. Lack of Ownership Over One’s Own Reality - People experiencing codependency in relationships, sometimes referred to as “Codependents”, may be struggling to know their core-self. Knowing one’s core-self identifies who they truly are as a person, gives a full understanding of self-worth, and identifies personal needs and wants. Codependents are very often unable to specify their own reality (i.e., knowing oneself). This may expose them to enmeshment (or the blurring of lines where one's core-self begins and another’s begins).

3. Boundaries - By establishing and knowing our own needs, lines (i.e., Boundaries) will be established and knowledge of how we don’t wish to cross them ourselves (or have them crossed!). These boundaries should be set and present in each of our emotional, physical, and mental spaces. They ought to exist internally, externally as well as when giving our time and energy to others. However, due to lacking a healthy knowledge of core-awareness, those who are healing from codependency often do not know what boundaries they require for healthy relationships. This may even lead to codependents holding a core belief that they are not worthy of Boundaries. Codependency therapy will help define and (re)establish these Boundaries and allow the healing process to proceed in (re)discovering one’s core-self and authentic personality.

Interested in learning more about how to start healing from codependency? Reach out to me at alanabarlia@intuitivehealingnyc.com to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. Or read more about my therapeutic work HERE.