A personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of thinking and behavior that is outside the spectrum of that which is acceptable in our environment. Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder are often confused because of the pervasive nature of both of these disorders, and the similarities in the behavioral patterns.

The essential features of Borderline Personality are instability in relationships, in affect, and our sense of self. This is due to impulsive and erratic behavior, which is rooted in a real or imagined fear of abandonment. This may manifest as self-harm, inability to regulate emotions, lack of sense of self, erratic and impulsive relationships, believing relationships are closer than they are, and inability to maintain functioning.

The essential features of Narcissistic Personality Disorder are a grandiose sense of self and a lack of empathy. This usually manifests as self-importance, need for excessive admiration, judgement and belittling of others, sense of entitlement, and narcissistic rage.

If we are assessing whether our partner is experiencing Borderline features vs Narcissistic features, what we should be looking for is the thought patterns that drive their behaviors. If the thought pattern seems to be a fear of abandonment, leading to chaotic or impulsive behaviors, this is indicative of Borderline features. If the thought pattern seems to be rooted in grandiosity and a lack of empathy, this person is likely exhibiting Narcissistic features.

These disorders differ in that the essential features which drive the behaviors are different (again borderline – fear of abandonment, narcissism – lack of empathy/grandiosity). However, the differences are not exactly black and white. Personality disorders of this kind can look similar as they relate to relationships and partnerships – especially when these relationships turn abusive.

General signs of an abusive relationship with a partner with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders:

-       Gaslighting and Manipulation

-       Unwarranted rage that is out of proportion to the situation

-       The feeling that you are walking on eggshells and/or your partner’s behavior is erratic and unpredictable

-       Emotional rollercoaster with high highs and low lows

-       Lack of boundaries or self-restraint

-       Excessive drama and harping on small flaws

General signs of an abusive relationship with a Partner with Borderline Personality:

• Manipulation

• Dramatic and chaotic behavior

• Extreme attempts to keep you in the relationship (self harm, threats of suicide)

General signs of an abusive relationship with a partner with Narcissistic Personality:

• Put downs, name calling, and criticisms

• Belittling

• Being tyrannical and rigid

• Isolating from family and friends

• Fostering emotional, physical, or financial dependency