Being drawn into narcissistic relationships can result from a combination of psychological, social, and biological factors. These factors can be influenced by early experiences, personality traits, and environmental conditions. Here’s a detailed look at what predisposes us to narcissistic relationships:

Read on until the end to see how your own choices can empower you, move you, and ultimately change your life.

Being drawn into narcissistic relationships begins with being predisposed to similar or familiar patterns during childhood. This includes:

• Attachment Style: Insecure attachment styles developed in childhood, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, can predispose you to unhealthy relationships. Those with anxious attachment styles might be drawn to the intensity and charm of narcissists, while those with avoidant attachment styles might be attracted to the narcissist's apparent charm and non-chalantness.

• Family Dynamics: Growing up in a family where narcissistic behavior was normalized (ie power dynamics between your parents, tyranny in the house, unrealistic expectations, anger outbursts, silent-treatment), or where emotional needs were unmet, can lead to you seeking similar dynamics in adult relationships.

• Low Self-Esteem: If you were predisposed to belittling, unrealistic expectations, a parent who projected their perfectionism onto you, or an angry parent - you may have developed low self-esteem, and may seek validation and approval from a narcissistic partner, who often initially provides intense attention and flattery.

• Need for Approval: A strong need for external validation can make someone more susceptible to the charm and attention from a narcissistic partner.

Another set of factors that may predispose us to attracting narcissistic attention is our societal and cultural norms. This includes:

• Cultural Norms: Societies that emphasize success, power, and appearance can inadvertently promote narcissistic traits, making such individuals appear more attractive and desirable. This is especially true if you are struggling with your own self-worth, and value others based on traits you believe are missing within yourself.

• Media Influence: Media portrayals of romance often glamorize intense and dramatic relationships, which can align with the initial stages of a relationship with a narcissist (Think Carrie & Big re Sex & The City).

• Peer Pressure: Friends and social circles can influence your perception of relationships and choice in partners. If a peer group values certain traits that narcissists display, such as confidence and charm, you might find yourself more inclined to pursue a relationship with a narcissist.

…But not everything can be blamed on our parents, on our social circle, or on the media. We do have biological factors that predispose us, create personality traits, and build nervous system responses, that can increase our likelihood of attracting people into our life who have narcissistic traits. These include:

• Your Personality Traits: Certain genetic factors, such as increased cortisol levels (stress hormone), may predispose you to personality traits that make you more vulnerable to narcissistic relationships - such as codependency, people pleasing, hyper-vigilance. Other examples are having a high level of agreeableness, being an empath, or having a highly sensitive nervous system. These can make it difficult for you to recognize and resist manipulative behavior.

• Stress Response: Biological differences in stress response and resilience can affect how you cope with the ups and downs of a narcissistic relationship, potentially making it harder to leave.

• Codependency: Individuals who exhibit codependent behaviors - putting others’ needs above their own, putting too much emphasis on other’s emotions, and trying to control for another person’s experience - may be more likely to stay in and be drawn to narcissistic relationships.

• People-Pleasing: A tendency to prioritize others’ happiness and avoid conflict can make it challenging to set boundaries with a narcissistic partner.

• Idealization of Love/Love Addiction: Believing in the idealization of love and relationships can make someone more susceptible to the initial charm and affection of a narcissistic partner, ignoring red flags. It can also make it more difficult to walk away from a toxic relationship when your main priority is to be in any relationship, regardless of the health of the relationship.

While it's true that biological predispositions and familial or cultural familiarities can influence our attraction to narcissistic partners, we are not helpless in the face of these influences. The power of choice gives us the agency to shape our lives and relationships in healthier ways. Here’s how choice plays a role in this context:

• Self-Awareness: The first step is recognizing your own patterns and tendencies. Reflect on past relationships and identify common traits in your partners and the dynamics that unfolded. Understanding your predispositions can help you see why you might be attracted to certain types of individuals.

• Education: Educate yourself about narcissistic personality traits and the red flags of unhealthy relationships. Knowledge is a powerful tool that enables you to spot warning signs early on. No, it’s not your responsibility to ward of the narcissists - but again, knowledge is power.

• Establishing Healthy Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship. Healthy boundaries protect your well-being and signal to others that you respect yourself.

• Enforce Boundaries: Consistently enforce these boundaries. If someone repeatedly disrespects your limits, it’s a clear sign that the relationship may not be healthy.

• Be Mindful in choosing partners: Be intentional about the partners you choose. Look for qualities such as empathy, respect, and mutual support rather than just charm and confidence. Do NOT ignore gut feelings, or rationalize poor behavior.

• Take Your Time: Don’t rush into relationships. Take the time to get to know someone and observe their behavior in various situations before committing deeply.

• Lean on Friends and Family: Surround yourself with supportive and trustworthy people who can provide perspective and advice. They can help you stay grounded and recognize unhealthy patterns.

Understanding the predispositions to being drawn into narcissistic relationships involves recognizing the interplay of psychological, social, and biological factors. By gaining awareness and developing healthy relationship skills, you can feel empowered to make CHOICES that can save your life.