The short answer is yes. The long answer is - well - complicated.

Let’s talk Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that seeks to explain the nature of emotional bonds between people, particularly in the context of early childhood relationships. It was first proposed by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and further developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s and 1970s.

According to attachment theory, humans have an innate need to form strong emotional connections with others, especially with primary caregivers & parents. These early relationships play a crucial role in shaping an individual's social, emotional, and cognitive development throughout their lifespan. The quality of these early attachments have proven to be profound in predicting a person’s overall well-being, their interpersonal relationships, and their ability to regulate their emotions.

Our early attachments seem to have an affect on more than just our adult environments & internal worlds though. These early attachments to our caregivers also seem to have a major bearing on what our adult relationships look like. Individuals who experienced secure attachments with their early caregivers will likely be able to securely attach to partners in adulthood, while individuals who experienced insecure or disorganized attachments with early caregivers will likely struggle to attach securely in adulthood.

The legacy of insecure attachment stems from parents with unresolved childhood attachment wounds of their own. This may reduce their ability to regulate their emotions, and thus reduce their ability to regulate their behaviors, which will negatively impact their children. Impaired attunement to their child’s needs may lead to emotional neglect, or the parent may be so dysregulated that they feel distressed or triggered by their children needing them at all. In some cases this transgenerational wounding can lead to emotional & physical abuse.

This legacy continues - into this same person’s partnerships in adulthood. Our brain has a natural tendency to repeat familiar patterns due to several interconnected factors, including cognitive processes, neural networks, and evolutionary advantages. This repetition of familiar patterns can be observed in various aspects of our cognition, including perception, memory, learning, and decision making - AND our relationships. Research shows that our brain will seek environments & people who feel familiar to our earliest relationships, even if those relationships were unhealthy.

Here's a breakdown of the key elements in the concept of repetition in our adult relationships:

1. Comfort in Familiarity: The human brain tends to find comfort in the familiar. Even if an early relationship was unhealthy or dysfunctional, the familiarity of those patterns may feel more secure than unfamiliar or healthier alternatives.

2. Repetition of Patterns: People might unconsciously recreate dynamics from their early relationships in their adult connections. For example, someone who had an emotionally distant caregiver might be drawn to emotionally distant partners, replicating a familiar but potentially unhealthy pattern.

3. Seeking Validation: Individuals might seek relationships that validate the beliefs and behaviors instilled during their early years. This seeking of validation can lead them to replicate similar emotional dynamics, even if those dynamics are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

4. Unconscious Processes: These preferences for familiar environments and people are often unconscious. People may not actively realize that they are drawn to certain relationships because they echo patterns from their past. It's a deeply ingrained aspect of human psychology.

Like I said - the long of it is complicated & the short of it is - YES we really do seek partners who remind us of our parents. Due to a combination of neural processing, transgenerational trauma, and evolutionary factors, we will seek people & environments who feel familiar to us.

Interested in learning more about how to heal your relationship patterns? Reach out to me at alanabarlia@intuitivehealingnyc.com to schedule a free 15 minute consultation. Or read more about my therapeutic work HERE.

There is one catch, however! Through therapy, journaling, and processing of your earliest attachments with caregivers you can rewire your neuralpathways to seek healthier and safer people in your adult relationships.