Although parenthood is often seen as the most selfless journey of somebody’s life, this isn’t always the case. Narcissistic people do have children, and they do project those narcissistic features onto their children. If you have been following along for some time with this blog, you know there are a few main types of narcissism: overt narcissism, covert narcissism, malignant narcissism, communal narcissism, and antagonistic narcsissism. Each of these can show up in parenting dynamics, but for today’s post we will dive into The Suffering Parent: a subset of covert narcissism. This type of narcissism is characterized by a perpetual sense of victimhood, an unending need for attention, and a tendency to manipulate others through emotional guilt. Let’s explore this concept and its impact on both the parent and the child.

The Suffering Parent Phenomenon:

“The Suffering Parent” isn’t a term you’re going to find in any psychological manuals - i’m pretty sure I made it up. BUT it is a concept that those studying narcissism will be familiar with. It is more of an observation of certain patterns of behavior that are persistnt in those with covert narcissism who are also parents. These parents consistently position themselves as victims, whether it be in their relationships, their careers, or their personal lives. They make sure to project this victimhood on their children and their suffering becomes a focal point, dominating conversations and interactions as they seek validation and sympathy from those around them.

Let’s look at a few characteristics of a Suffering Parent:

1. Constant Victimhood: Suffering parents perceive themselves as victims in every situation. They often recount tales of hardship, disappointment, and injustice, portraying themselves as helpless and at the mercy of external forces.

2. Manipulative Guilt: One of the key characteristics of a suffering parent is the use of emotional manipulation, particularly guilt. They may employ tactics such as sighing heavily, emphasizing their sacrifices, or recounting past struggles to elicit sympathy and compliance from others, especially their children.

3. Attention-Seeking Behavior: Suffering parents crave attention and validation. They may exaggerate their suffering to ensure that others are focused on them, often neglecting the needs and feelings of those around them.

4. Inability to Take Responsibility: Despite their apparent suffering, these parents find it impossible to take responsibility for their actions or contribute to finding solutions. They prefer to dwell on their perceived victimhood rather than proactively addressing challenges. They will also struggle immensely with accountability and have very low insight into their role in the recurring patterns of their life.

This will impact their children greatly…

The effects of having a suffering parent can be profound and enduring for a child. The constant exposure to a parent's victim mentality can shape the child's own worldview and emotional well-being in several ways:

1. Guilt and Obligation: Children of suffering parents may develop a heightened sense of guilt and obligation. They may grow up to feel responsible for their parent's happiness and well-being. They may also grow up to feel responsible for everybody’s happiness and well-being (read: codependency).

2. Emotional Burden: The emotional weight of a suffering parent's constant need for validation can be overwhelming and create a sense of inadequacy and a fear of disappointing the parent. Again, this may lead the child to also feel fear in disappointing anybody in their life.

3. Difficulty Expressing Needs: Children in such households may find it challenging to express their own needs and emotions, as the focus is consistently on the suffering parent. This can hinder the development of healthy emotional boundaries. It can also foster a lack of sense of self and self-awareness of one’s own needs.

4. People-Pleasing: People pleasers begin as parent pleasers. In order to protect yourself and keep yourself safe in a household where a parent’s emotional needs were so big, you will likely learn to attune to those needs in a people-pleasing manner. This also means giving up your own needs, and sometimes losing sight of your own needs altogether.

Let’s see if we can break the cycle…

Stopping the cycle with a suffering parenting requires self-awareness and a commitment to change. Both the parent and the child can benefit from:

1. Therapeutic Intervention: Seeking the help of a mental health professional can provide insight into the root causes of the suffering parent's behavior and offer strategies for healthier communication and coping mechanisms.

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2. Open Communication: Encouraging open and honest communication within the family can help address underlying issues. Creating a safe space for each family member to express their needs and concerns is crucial for fostering understanding.

3. Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential for both the suffering parent and the child. This involves recognizing and respecting each other's emotional space and acknowledging the importance of individual well-being.

4. Inner-child work and reparenting: Inner-child work can help to address the very young wounds that hold the pain of having a parent who was stuck in victim. Re-parenting is the empowerment to give your adult self permission to heal and move on.

The suffering parent phenomenon sheds light on a form of narcissism that can have lasting effects on both the parent and the child. By understanding the characteristics of this behavior and taking proactive steps to address it, you can work towards creating healthier, more supportive environment where you can begin to heal. Actively working on the harm caused by experiencing a suffering parenting requires acknowledgement, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace change.