Alana Barlia, LMHC

“I came home one day to find all of the clothing in our dresser drawers strewn across the bedroom like trash. As I picked up each article of clothing, I already had the sinking, familiar feeling of humiliation, knowing I had done something wrong. And then I saw the note left atop the dresser, ‘The corners need to match. You know this. Fold them again.”’ 

This is one story of a client living with a narcissistic abuser, but almost every story is the same. He shares my secrets; he criticizes me in public; he takes jabs at my intelligence; he won’t have sex with me; he gaslights me; he keeps my family and friends away; he is tyrannical in housework and parenting; worst of all he makes me feel crazy, and then reminds me that I am. 

If this feels familiar, these are some signs you may be living with a narcissistic abuser. Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, fragile ego, inability to receive criticism (resulting in narcissistic rage), and an inflated sense of entitlement. Narcissism develops through both personality and early childhood experiences, often resulting from traumatic or invalidating environments where the narcissist’s ego was severely damage. 

In order to cope with this ego damage, the narcissist will project these inadequacies onto their loved ones – children, friends, family, and most often their partner. This is called narcissistic abuse; the psychological or emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissist projected onto their victim. This includes gas lighting, name calling, put-downs, public humiliation, isolation, tyrannical lifestyle, financial withholding, shaming, body shaming, manipulation, and control. 

If you believe that you or someone you know is living with a narcissistic abuser, here are some things to remember: 

1. It’s not your fault. You are not what they say you are. Their criticisms are a projection of their own insecurities. 

2. Abuse is not only physical – scare tactics, threats, humiliation, shaming, and control are also forms of abuse. 

3. You are not powerless. Narcissists slowly erode their victim’s self-worth over time, leading them to believe they are powerless. Do not give in.

4. Use your support system. Writer down your thoughts and share them with others. It becomes more difficult for your abuser to gaslight you if you have outside perspective. 

5. You are most likely overly empathetic or codependent – the role you play is feeding their ego. Take a step back and reevaluate how you are contributing to the dynamic. 

6. You are not alone! There are many forms of support out there, including individual therapists and groups designated to survivors of narcissistic abuse. Utilize your resources and provide yourself the ultimate self-care of reaching out for support.